I will never understand what thinking like a male is like, ever, no matter how many sociology and gender studies classes I take. This whole journey to being an empathetic and enlightened feminist has been so troubling. Celibacy taught me nothing and the end of celibacy yielded even less. The path to sexual liberation brings creeps, assholes and unwarranted perversion. I just can’t understand how anyone decides to treat another person they way they do. Not to be a whiny bitch but I just can’t understand how the disrespect shown towards women by men is so generally overlooked. Maybe this ambivalence in addition to privilege has something to do with animal instincts. I just can’t stand it. Just don’t fucking touch me and don’t fucking assume that your male identity gives you the right to treat me as your subject. I forgot that as a woman I don’t have a brain and my emotions (which in turn adds to my femininity which attracts you in the first place) are nonexistent. I’m just fucking done with this shit I’m crawling out of my fucking skin. Tonight I innocently tried to buy a pack of cigs after an anxiety ridden day and after getting hit on by scum, I was approached so vilely. The man thought he was doing me a favor by not carding me grabbed my hand and without taking his eyes off my tits told me he wanted to marry me and take me home. Don’t fucking touch my hand don’t tell me that I’m too pretty to be single don’t fucking look at me pretend that I have some wild untamed cock in between my legs. Because as we all know, male sexuality can’t be tamed and as women we just have to fucking deal with it. My complacency isn’t my weakness although I admit I’ve been silent for too long.
I still haven’t changed my period blood sheets
now there is ash all over my bed
I think I’m just punishing myself at this point.
I hope we fuck and I hope you make me cum and I hope that I’m smoking a blunt during orgasm and I hope you make me food
this insinuates that I’d be so lucky
I hope I can some how be sneaky about this even though I’m blogging about it (I’m just getting excited and letting my imagination run rampant)
I disguise my loneliness for horniness and vice versa
but I’m really unsure of what it feels like to be lonely
because I’m really unsure of what it feels like to be satisfied or fulfilled by another person’s company
because I’m really unsure of feeling content and happy
but I am very sure of how it feels to be horny so that is the only feeling I can relate to anything a lot of the time.
It’s been a really awkward week where all I’ve been listening to at home is Raw Nerve and Anal Cunt but in public I’ve been listening to mixtape Nicki Minaj and this amazing compilation of Chess Record divas.
Waiting for the lawerence bus a nice beef cakey dude sparked a convo with me. He assumed I was in highschool and was pleasantly surprised when I wasn’t. He asked me why I was working and why my boyfriend didn’t pay my rent. I told him my theoretical boyfriend was a piece of shit and I didn’t want to live with him. He liked that I called my theoretical boyfriend a piece of shit. He asked me if I was a metal head and I retorted that if I chose a heavier genre of rock I’d choose punk. He asked me if I usually dated boys with huge mohawks, skinny jeans and qoute, “shirts like, how do you call them, bras”. It turns out he was from serbia and lived and worked in a bunch of places in europe and that he’d only been in the states for about 3 months. Although he came on strong he was a nice foreign man. I decided to hop on the western bus southbound because lawerence was taking forever and I can walk home from irving park. I wished him luck in waiting for the bus and he made some cute joke about moral support in good but poorly articulated broken english. He then proceeded to follow me across the street and asked me if he could reopen the coffee shop he ran and make me some drinks and talk. I politely declined partially out of fear of being raped in an abandoned cafe but mostly because my back hurts and I want to lay in bed and eat and watch netflix. I probably should have agreed because I’ve never experienced someone with such large muscles and personified testosterone so well and I could use something well hung and possibly uncircumsized.
